Life of Mine

Spinning

I feel dizzy.  There have been so many changes in the past two months that I swear I am spinning.

I can handle change, I really can.  I’m not one to be resistant to change but right now,  I am struggling with everything that has been going on.

I need to quit my job but I don’t know if we can handle that change….the lack of my paycheck.  We’ve always done without  a paycheck from me but we are now used to that money and things have been good.  I fear that they will go downhill very quickly if I have no money coming in. 

I have posted on Craigslist, I have responded to ads online for families looking for childcare.  Nothing so far. 

In the process of thinking about quitting my job, I think of my co workers and how the people in the catering department need me and will really struggle without me.  No, I don’t think I am super fabulous or anything but we are short handed as it is now so for me to leave, would be horrible for them and I can’t help but feel guilty about it. 

I am actually going to be in charge of catering two weeks from now while my manager is on vacation..so they are relying on me for that. 

However, I guess when you are making decisions based on the needs of your family, you have to distance yourself from the result of your decisions and how they may affect your co workers.  My co worker just did that last week as she said goodbye to us.  I know that they would understand my point and why I would be doing it. 

I’m just not ready to give up yet.  I really want to find something solid before leaving a full time job. 

My Mother-in-law has been in and out of the hospital this month which is why I have been even thinking about this extensively.  I  no longer have a babysitter and cannot fathom paying a daycare more than half of what I earn for childcare.  I have been lucky thus far with having family and friends to watch my kids.  I fear that my luck is running out and it may be time to realize that it is no longer worth it. 

I don’t know how much longer we can continue on doing what we are currently doing. 

My head is spinning from all the decisions that need to be made.  The most simple solution would be for me to go in tomorrow and say, “I quit” but it just isn’t that simple afterall.